Beyond the Binary: Gender Roles in Parenting
Gender roles refer to the socially and culturally shaped expectations, behaviors, attitudes, and traits that societies associate with masculinity and femininity. Actions, attitude, and even personality of a person are given a defined set of ‘rules’ that fit the society’s perception of gender roles. And how could parenting possibly escape this, when it’s considered one of the most sacred life roles? (According to society… not necessarily me.)
Like everything else in life, parenting was and is defined by both traditional and contemporary gender roles all over the world. There is no correct answer when it comes to parenting, only a whole lot of solutions. But some solutions are accepted as correct by the majority of people, and some are not.
As with how everything connected with gender has cultural and historical context attached to it, parenting also does. To understand how societal gender norms influence parenting, we need to understand the historical and cultural context.
Origin
Historically, gender roles in parenting had been set by the social, cultural, and economic needs of that time. During the division of labor any act that required physical prowess was given to men, any role tied to reproduction or caregiving was assigned to women, which included child care and their development. This division was further ingrained by growing cultural and religious practices, which preached societal laws and norms. Culturally, even though matters of other traditional roles remained the same throughout the world, parenting varied in some areas. Indigenous cultures in some parts of the world followed communal parenting, i.e., both men and women were involved in all parts of child rearing (except physically, of course). But in many other regions, parenting norms still follow rigid structures—mothers are expected to be the primary caregivers, and fathers the breadwinners. Mothers are often expected to be nurturing, soft, and forgiving, and fathers will be taking the authoritarian and disciplinarian role.
Traditional parenting roles
For centuries, the patriarchal system did not just suggest gender roles; it institutionalized them. Gender became a kind of social fate—assigned, expected, and enforced. In the parenting part of life, the women were assigned the roles of ever-present, nurturing caregivers and self-sacrificing saints to their children. Fathers were expected to provide a consistent paycheck—and little else. Emotional distance was practically part of the job description. A perfect example of the traditional gender roles is how maternal leave is a standard practice across the world while paternal leave is given as a mere suggestion. It is not seen as their right.
Women are conditioned to see sacrifice as a given and are praised as ‘good mothers’ when they leave their jobs, hobbies, and sleep and take a step back from their own lives. It is even expected of them. Hiring nannies is seen as irresponsible, and they are being ridiculed for that. And if the father was the one who left their job to take care of their child, he was called unemployed. People even side-eye the ‘stay-at-home’ dads. Men are taught that their only value and contribution to their family would be to bring in money. They learn from their fathers that good parenting means emotional distance and weekend playdates, just enough to be called “involved”, and if they play with them once or twice, they would become the best dads ever.
These traditionally practiced roles not only limit the individuals but also affect how the children internalize authority, love, responsibility, and identity.
Contemporary parenting roles
People are starting to take the roles of ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ out of the box they were put in. They are slowly starting to shake off the chains of the said gender roles. Women are increasingly working full-time and stopping sacrificing everything just because they have a child. Men are becoming stay-at-home dads, involving themselves more emotionally in their children’s lives. This is not the only place where gender roles are being modernized. There are now same-sex parents, single parents, platonic co-parents, and so much more. Of course it comes with a fair share of problems. Anti-LGBTQ rhetoric often says that the children of same-sex parents are confused about their identities. Oh, please! Studies show that children raised by same-sex parents are just as well-adjusted as others, and often more emotionally intelligent, thanks to communication and intentional parenting. The division of labor in their family is due to their skills and not because of gender.
Single parenting these days is often a choice and not as a result of a tragic situation. Platonic co-parenting, built on communication and practicality, can model even more cooperation and respect, less about roles and more about relationships.
But gender roles often sneak into the above-mentioned contemporary parenting too. One is expected to be ‘the default, ever present, nurturing,’ while the other is designated the role of finance provider. It shows that it is not about biology but about the institutionalized gender norms. A single mother is often judged more harshly compared to a single father. A single mother is expected to be perfect in all of the roles; they should be a perfect caregiver and financial provider and, at the same time, self-sacrificing. But single fathers become the talk of the town for being brave and enduring. There is no pressure for them to be emotionally available for their children but only to be a financial provider.
Language and toys matter too.
A working mom is a ‘working mom’ and a working dad…just a dad. A stay-at-home dad is a ‘stay-at-home dad,’ and a stay-at-home mom is … just a mom. WHY? A dad takes his kids to the park, then it's, 'He is so hands-on with his children,' but when a mom does that, that's her job.
Girls get kitchen sets and baby care kits as toys because they are naturally “nurturing.” Boys get adventure cars and toolkits because those are considered “masculine.” The child does not know what is masculine and feminine at that time. They have no clue of the societal norms they are being thrust into. They are not given a choice when they are at that age to develop small likes and dislikes. When given a choice, we don’t know what they might choose. But when they are given what the society deems fit, that’s all they know.
At first glance, parenting may seem domestic and personal, but it is not. It is political, because every word and every action from the parent shapes the choice and the path their children take. Every time a child is told “boys don’t cry” or “that’s not ladylike,” a gender script is reinforced. And every time a parent refuses to read from that old script, a tiny change begins. Children should be given choices. It’s not that they are young and don’t know what is best for them, no. It’s small actions like these that shape them. Regardless of how many parents there are, or their gender, what matters is involvement, intention, and care. Gender norms are not only restricting the parents; they are also restricting the children and their children. A small change in one generation is enough to make waves of change in the upcoming generations.
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